Past and Present Tense
by Anne Holly
Summary: Sirius's love confessions to the 10 years his junior Tonks. The secrets he had kept for years, slowly killing him inside, finally reveiled after his passing.


-1**If only God was up there to tell her that I love her…**

She is so beautiful…I still remember our first meeting. She was wearing a pink puffy princess dress at our lawn party. Mother had especially invited the "Tonks" family for amusement purposes. I was a teenager, with my hair in my eyes, casting evil looks at everyone around me. All of the aunts were kissing me on the cheek as I sulked on. That was when she ran up to me.

_Do you remember…with a twisted smile and messy purple hair, you ran right into me. I fell to the ground with you on top of me giggling. You were only a little girl back then. **Only a child. **You smile brightly and apologized. As you got up, you wiped your little dirt-filled hands on your dress. I got up slowly, slightly annoyed, I asked you if you were okay. You said yes and then no. _"This party isn't much fun eh?", _you said with your eyes suddenly turning from **blue to brown**. A little taken back with the transformation, I just nodded. That was when mother walked over to us. "_Darling, that's your little cousin!", _mother said with a little laugh in her voice. I remember I knelt down to you and shook your little hand. Before I knew it, you had your little arms around my neck, hugging me tightly as you laughed. You must have been six or seven. You arms were still very short, it barely went around my neck, but I could feel you violet hair blush my lipstick stained cheek as you withdrew yourself. **I was blushing**, not because I thought I liked you, but because I've never been **hugged by a child before**. I was embarrassed to be reddening because of you. Mother only smiled and walked away. You introduced yourself. Once again, I saw your eyes change colour. I asked you_, "Heya, how does your eyes change colour like that?_" You told me because you just could. I laughed. That was when Vivian came in. She was my girlfriend back then. She took me by the arm and kissed me like my aunts, **two pecks on each cheek**. Mother loved Vivian, I thought I did too because she was beautiful. Though, she wasn't anything near as beautiful as you. I walked off with her, with your purple eyes fixed on us. You must have thought I was like an older brother or father to you. Or perhaps you thought I **was your prince charming**, I will never know. _

I heard mother talk about her family a lot with my other aunts and cousins. She was an outcast because her father married an mud blood. She wasn't on **our tapestry **. When Vivian and I celebrated our eighteenth birthday, she came.

_Do you remember…as Vivian and I walked down to greet the guest, you were stuffing chocolates into your mouth. Vivian and I had a lot of arguments back then. It was about over, the relationship I meant. She was siding with my mum about everything. We could not agree on a single issue at all, which included that nights apparel. I wanted to wear a normal suit and tie, but she insisted that we add ruffs to the front of the shirt to give it a traditional twist. She was dressed in a floor length white gown, which looked like an Edwardian wedding dress. I really hated how she would laugh and pick up her dress and twist around while **she flicked her hair**. That was when you came into the picture. You came up to greet us with chocolate smeared all over your lips and corners of your mouth. _"Heya", _you said while you curtsied to us. Vivian did not look at you because she was looking for my mother over the guests head, only I bent my head down to greet you, my angel. You twisted that smile of yours and your eyes turned brown. You handed me one of the chocolates on the table to me, **it was heart shaped**. I took it from you and put it in my mouth while I mumbled "cheers". You stuffed three chocolates into your little mouth as I chewed on mine. With the back and palm of your hand you wiped your mouth. And you made my day. With out thinking about what to do with your hands, you grabbed Vivian's dress. "Its so pretty", you said as Vivian finally looked down. Her face turned green as her eyes saw your **chocolate hands **on her satin dress. She yanked her dress back, causing it to rip and also making you fall. Vivian flew upstairs with **tears in her eyes**. That was the night we broke up for good. You were still on the floor with your hands still clutching the ripped dress. Everyone was starting to look at you. I did not know what to do, so I took you into my arms and carried you off. With one arm underneath the curve or your knee and the other under your neck, I carried you away **like a father carrying their toddler.** I took you to my room, remember. I laid you on the couch. You were crying. You **weren't a baby now, nor a child**. You were ten. You looked up from your little hands and saw me looking at you, kneeling beside you. With a smooth motion, you hand and your arms were around my neck again. I had you in my arms and I was rocking you back and forth until my door opened. Mother walked in, looking very sour. You did not let go, I just patted you and you continued to sod on my shoulder. Mother gave me a very earth shattering look and **shut the door **behind her. When you left with your mother, that was the last time I saw you before mother passed away. Your eyes were still red. I smile at you before you disappeared into the darkness. You smiled back and your eyes changed colour. Mother never mentioned the Tonks to me ever again. Something about that night made me wonder if she thought I fell in love with her. Even before **I knew I was in love **with you. _

After I was out of Azkaban, I joined the order, I was reunited with her. She had changed in height, but nothing else. She was still the clumsily little girl of my dreams. Many nights in Azkaban, I would dream about her. She was the **little ray of sunshine **that kept Azkaban a little amusing. The first time I saw her after everything was at the foot of the stairs my old house.

_Do you remember…how I was walking down the stairs just as you stumbled in. My mother portrait started to scream as you tripped over the foot rest. You landed with your belly on the floor and your **legs still on the foot rest**. You looked up and saw me at the stairs. Your violet eyes changed brown and your legs stopped kicking. I immediately felt my heart beat faster, as I ran down the stairs to help you up. You took my offered hand and you were up on your feet. You smiled, slightly blushing, as you said thanks. I looked at you deeply, forgetting about everything because I was completely amazed at how beautiful you still were. You were a women now, a twenty something lady with pink hair that changed suddenly to violet_. "Do you remember me?" _I asked very quietly. You bent you head up and look into my brown eyes and said yes faintly. You sounded a bit confused. _"It was almost twenty years ago" _you said. I nodded and said something like "_how have you been_". You answered lightly. Remus walked in that moment. He opened the door and the light from outside spilled in**. I had to close my eyes**. Then I saw your whole face change. Your hair changed and your eyes. I knew what was going on finally. You were in love with him. Yes you were. Without a backwards glance you followed Remus into the kitchen. That was why I locked myself in the room so often because I did not want to see you two. _

At Christmas, something happened. She and I did something we should not have done.

_Do you remember…how you ran towards me in the hall way on Christmas eve night. Everyone else was outside in the kitchen and living room celebrating. You were in tears. I have **not seen you in tears **for such a long time that it surprised me. You had your arms around me and your wet face on my neck**, sobbing like a little girl again**. I wrapped my arms around you. I saw in the distance Remus walking out of the side room followed by Hermione. I knew what was going on. They must have hurt you. I picked you up as I have done twenty years ago. I lifted you to my room, to comfort you. I swear I never had any other intention. As I laid you on the couch you did not let go of my neck. You were still **cling on me**, I had to lay beside you. As I did I felt you inch closer to me. You lips were on my neck and your hands were down my shirt. I did not know what to do. I loved you so much. All I could think about was **the little girl **that ran right into me. You were done unbuttoning my shirt and you started at my belt. **I tried to stop you **by asking you what you were doing, but you ignored me and continued to unbutton away. I forced myself up because I didn't want you to do anything you did mean to do. As I walk to the door, I felt your arms close around my waist as you wept. I turned around and you kissed me. Passion was the only word to describe it. Before I had time to control myself, I lifted you up and **took you to bed**. Our cloths just slipped off of us and we were exploring each other. When I pushed into you, you told me you were a virgin. **You said it hurt a little**. Even though I had had a few women in the past, I never had this connection with anyone. You made me feel like we were one. After everything, you fell asleep with your head on my chest. All I could think about was how lucky I was. My little angel was mine, for now at least. I love you. _

She and I kept at this. Whenever she was ordered to the order, she would come early and see me. It was always very risky, but I loved her all together.

_Do you remember…how I confessed that **I loved you last night**. When I said the words, you were in shock or perhaps in denial. I know I may not be the man for you, but I have always wished I was. You see, I loved you **since you were a child**. I know it may not sound very peasant, but please know that my love isn't like **the paedophilic obsession **that older men have because I was mere **a child at heart too**. That teenager me was someone whom was completely lost in a world where everything was controlled by my family. It was you that showed me that life was worth more than that. I do not know what will happen to us, but I believe that someday you **will truly understand the love **I have for you. You will understand that it is truly true love. All I have in my life now is you and Harry. If anything happens to you two**, I would die**. Just know that if someday I am not there anymore, please go on with life. No matter who you choose in the end, Remus or me, it wouldn't matter, just as **long as you will be happy**. Always be that shining angel full of happiness because that will always be what you are in my heart. _

_**I love you so…**_


End file.
